Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

.and then there was Adam

An unexpected visitor, at an unexpected time, with an unexpected name choice
(he was planned though lol)

On November 8th of 2013, my fairytale dream came true by marrying the wind that has blown beneath my wings for several years going quiet unnoticed for the majority of them, my wonder wall whom I now have the honour to call my husband.
My life has continued at the same pace it was going at prior to the marriage, the same dull routine, same boring job that got even more boring as the days went by, same outings, same friends, circles, places..etc. As lifeless as it may sound, I was quiet content with it that way, I was in no place for taking risks or engaging in new experiences as I thought to myself I had already done that by getting married, nothing major had changed in my routine but that is undoubtedly a major chapter.

And then all of a sudden, hit the maternal instincts, and the question that my husband dreaded for weeks before the pregnancy, and which made him question the exact level of maturity his wife was on:
"how come I am not pregnant yet? We've been married for a good amount of time now!"

Needless to say, I was quiet naive and uninformed, doing a laboratory test just to be one hundred percent certain, I found out about my pregnancy when I was around 8 weeks far along!

When I got the lab results, I was nothing like I would have imagined myself to be, long before getting married I always thought of pregnancy and labour as this horrifying experience that I simply wouldn't want to go through under any circumstances what so ever, and if my maternal instincts were to kick, I'd get a pet and call it a day. But it was completely different, I was not happy, I was euphoric, to see the least.

I was just seeing so vividly how beautiful this wild ride is going to be, and how much both my pea in the pod and I are going to enjoy it, every milestone, every trimester, every growth spurt, every development and every single moment of it all, I knew it was going to be priceless. I was utterly unafraid, I had a relatively large ovarian cyst that absolutely meant nothing, the cesarean meant nothing, as long as it all led to me meeting the light of my eyes.

On October 19th 2014, I delivered my baby "Adam", not only had a new chapter of my life just begun, I felt like that was the first day of my life.

The first week post partum was very difficult for me giving the c-section (obviously I acknowledge that women who give vaginal birth go through hell and back as well), but I can recall how painful it was not being able to eat,rest,sleep, pass anything,, or even talk due to how much pain I was feeling.

I remember the moment I woke up after the surgery, I was hungover, on a hospital bed in the post-surgery transfer room, on the other side of the wall, there was a woman going into labour and she was screaming bloody murder, I grabbed the closest nurse to me in a way that felt like it was straight out of a horror flick and I recall whispering to her "get me out of here". She did, out of fear, I'd like to believe.

When I had arrived to my room at the hospital, Adam was not there, which freaked me out! See, watching a lot of TV, I always assumed the mother and newborn stay at the same room, but apparently no :D they would bring him to me every four hours, which was devastating, I couldn't get enough of looking at him, I remember the first time I held him in my arms and my husband wanted to take him from me to send him back to the nursery, I yelled: "no, he's mine!". Well , he is. :/

Going back home with the baby was very easy, two weeks before giving birth I had set up everything I might need, which made transiting him from the hospital to the house very easy, and he made it very easy as well, Adam was a very peaceful newborn, he had a very precise schedule of feeding and sleeping that he fell into on his own, and he would only cry a little bit when waking up hungry, but there were no unexplained  fits of crying of any sort (at least not until the dreaded phase were that is expected to happen).

Now as the days go by, I find that every stage has its beauty and its own challenges as well, but so far it has been a magnificent experience, watching my little guy grow from a ball of fragile flesh into this travel sized human being with an ever developing bright personality, and the connection I have with him is indescribable. I will do whatever it takes, but I need to pray that i have the strength and ability to be the best mother you could ever ask for, my everything <3 nbsp="" p="">



Sunday, August 19, 2012

.sinful pleasures

A confession of a couple of quite bad addictions I happen to suffer from and don't even bother to get treatment for.

1- Shisha (Hookah) 

This is an addiction that was conceived in happiness and leisure, raised in rage and depression, has grown to be my only refuge and is consuming every last part of me (including my honesty).

First time I have huffed a puff was approximately 4 years ago, when the females in my family were all around, and new beautiful bonds were forming, along with all these sweet moments it was introduced by an older and rather awesome one of us. But things happen and people depart, physically of course, we cannot ever be detached emotionally, we integrate each other. I am not assuming, but entirely positive that I took off the habit by myself because subconsciously, it reminded me of a much better, much simpler time, it's like I have extracted the parts of those memories that is the easiest to recreate and went ahead with it.

The bad part is, I am not being able to let go, I have tried, financial crisis didn't stop me, physical damage didn't stop, disapproval of loved ones didn't effect me.. I don't know what else well, and I don't want to get to the moment where I no longer have a choice.

My father was a heavy smoker, and he quit due to a severe illness he encountered, my uncle passed away because of his tobacco consumption, this is exactly what I do not want, I want to quit while I am still strong, but I am honest enough with myself to admit that I do not see it happening anytime soon...




To be continued..

Thursday, June 2, 2011

الحاله تعبانه.

مش عم بلاقي باب مفتوح..
كله مسكر ، او عم يوهمني انه مفتوح ،و يضحك عليّ و الاقيه مسكر، و تخرب الحالة بزيادة

الحالة النفسية بالحضيض
العاطفية متضامنة مع اللي فوق
الماديّة شكلها هيّ اللّي لمّتهم عليّ
الصحية بتقدم طلب انضمام 



بس ياللّه زبطّنا اللغة و بلشنا نكتب عربي
عربي  نص كم، و لا العدم

فَرَجك يا عالي .....
:(

Saturday, May 14, 2011

.little seedlings of hope

When i was almost 10 years old, I decided to take off agriculture and see how that'll turn out, for no reason other than having too much time on my hands at that time and wanting to fill it with something useful, which is surprising, giving that now, I'm doing the exact opposite.
However, that didn't last long, everyone sure knew how bring me down by convincing me that I should seriously give it up since the soil i was planting in was layered above sub cement ( jeez ), and thanks to the abundance of worms that lead me to having an unbelievable fear of them till this very day, the looks of those earth worms are not meant to be forgotten :'(

I completely forgot about planting anything there, i knew i planted a lot and as a child it's either instant results or it didn't happen.

One seed in particular though, which location I so specifically remember, managed to make it, and it grew so beautifully, in the past couple of years I ignored it because the child that apparently didn't follow the path the seed took to grow up, was thinking : either gigantic tree, or it didn't happen.

But this gorgeous peach tree, is now screaming : you don't want to come closer, your loss, it's so beautiful, and I'm very pleased :)

Look !




And for 63 years now, a holy tree that was planted in our hearts and will forever grow, has been stolen, and is craving light, not from sunshine, but fire, knowing that it's the only way to take back what's rightfully ours.

God bless you Palestine, my everlasting love ..


نهار العصر ثوار 
وأحلام يزينها دم الزيتون والغار 


Friday, April 29, 2011

.beauty and it's exact opposite

This time of the year is usually when the International Communities Fairs are held all over Jordanian Universities, the one in YU started a couple of weeks later than others, but, oh well..

Over-excited ? First time to attend it ever, knowing that I'm junior who also used to make semi-monthly visits to this University before entering it as a student, I always miss it due to being surrounded by jibber-jabber on how unexciting it is and there's a absolutely no reason to waste several minutes of my life there, and this of course, is always followed by the regret of not going after being surrounded of non-stop comments on how beautiful these events are.

Thanking God for sending me a fun friend who's always on the look out for anything new, I got to go check it out.

Generally it's not all bad, the good thing about it is of course the gorgeous cultures and the amazing settings designed and prepared by the students themselves, which is probably why they turned out good since no one who is assigned by any authority jumped in on the process.

Personal favorites : Bahraini Coffee ! Oh my, I stood for a second after the first taste to check if this is real life lol
The looks of Thai food, most of the sections had very delicious looking food, but this one was very varied and colorful, bad thing i didn't have my cam and took the pictures using the cell phone's, obviously awful

Now to the ugly part, OUR contribution to this event ?
Ignorant individuals who apparently breathe idiocy, I can't believe such mentalities get accpeted as university students, life puzzles me
Mocking people from every culture, calling them names in Arabic thinking they wouldn't understand, guess what you imbecile, they speak Arabic better than you ever will.

I'll never know how those people's brains ( if existed ) function, I felt terrible for the students who just want to represent a beautiful image of their countries that they are away from most of the year leaving behind their friends and families, and they ended up having to put up with mere crap.


Palestine

Amen !



Turkey 




Bahrain



Thailand




Indonesia



Syria




South Korea
(and wrest de Foof)




 United Arab Emirates




 Russia




x

Friday, April 15, 2011

.le procrastination

As it turns out, I need to study 24/7 from now on so i can afford the damage control i'm supposed to do to my average at school, I have slacked off enough, and I need to take action If I'm really considering taking the scholarships seriously.
Thinking about it again, and even though i do have an amazing knack to procrastinate, I think pessimism is what's holding me back, through my life I have come to believe that nothing good is destined to strike me, ever !
It's not a logical nor healthy thing, but looking back at my life, I can't help but jam this thought into my mind even deeper, I try not to, It's deep enough to fight back !
I hope that one day something good will happen, some hard work would pay off, and I'll start believing in something, for once


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I'm What's Happening !

I, Foof, hereby declare a war on every last one of those -people- with unexplainable , intolerable EGO , which results them patronizing and looking down at all God's might or tiny creations, and believe that they are big shots even if everyone else can clearly see that they - due to that ego- are complete nothings.

and I am no way against being confident, as a matter of fact, I look up to those who have faith in themselves and the steps they take, but i certainly despise douche bags / baguettes

period


Monday, May 25, 2009

Morons

For those having problem reading the comments
the comic was supposed to be larger -btw-

X : You look sad
Y : You look like F*ck

and then you get the change in the facial expressions !

Now folks how about meeting this kind of morons daily , interesting indeed !
Some people have this unexplainable urge to humiliate others , or more likely : to destroy any attempt of the person to feel good about themselves ! As I have mentioned it's not explainable . is it because they don't feel good about themselves , thus , you're not allowed to do so ? Is it because they believe you're not worthy of the feeling ? Is it... It's mostly the human's complicated nature that makes them at the end of the day.. suck !

This thing is actually more common among girls , they - or at least the ones i have been involved with so you won't think I'm generalizing , although I'm intending to- find it very inappropriate , ridiculous and probably outrageous to compliment each other ! If you think all the girls are like the ones you read about or see in comics leading endless discussions about how they like each others' haircuts , you thought very wrong ! Those who actually like things about each other are rare , mature enough to say the truth in the shortest comments possible and by expressing their true feelings .

I could go further and use the (e.g)s but my fingers are getting sleepy , plus then i would be actually giving my time to talk about the morons and i would've passed the point of venting out , which has ended probably two paragraphs ago .

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

And I hate the way , you walk away...

Dear ...

This will be one of the many times where I try to tell you something without giving any efforts to be poetic , nice and whatsoever , it will be like the everyday me , straight forward and as the mind thinks the tongue speaks, though it doesn't matter because the odds of you reading this are not worth mentioning !

I hate it when you leave , it just shakes the faith within me, it shakes my faith in the moment before you do because i know in the next i will look around to not find you , it shakes my faith in the happiness i feel when i first see you because i know in the next moment the wind will blow all of this away,l it shakes my faith in my strength because i know that once you're seconds away ,I'll fall apart in no time.

So as I raise this glass to sorrow i would like to take a moment to thank you , because if it weren't for you my dear , i would never know how vulnerable i could be ..!

I hate it when you’re not around,

and the fact that you didn’t call.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,

not even close…

not even a little bit…

not even at all !

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Dear Diary

Today..
As i was in the bus , i saw a woman driving a public transportation vehicle
It made me smile..

Today
As i was on that same bus , a guy with ridiculously plucked eyebrows kept staring at me then gave me the wink wink smile
It made me wish that woman had run him over..


...

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Your sky,your sea...


And for being this , you judge me !
I get judged for over-loving the people i believe deserve it ,, my friends,family or my other..
If you're consumed by a bitter past experience do not bother telling me , I'll try my best not to lend an ear because i can not get paranoid over something i can't even control , thus ruin it ! and because i had experiences probably far worse than yours and still i do not freak people out with endless, tasteless destructive so-called advices

in Foofster's dictionary , the term overestimating does not exist , yes you might think it's wrong, and even i might sometimes! but it will be just a thought that's fading away in no time..it's something can't control.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Raindrops are falling on my head

Rumor has it .. yeah and the sky obviously says that it won't be raining for a couple of days and this sucky weather will continue ..lots of sunshine and freezing cold , and people still complain about rainy days and how they bring them down !

Yeh ! despite how much i love the carpenters i still don't like and don't relate to "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down" , i actually wait for rainy days the entire year , every step i take in those days is carved upon my memory , every time i want to memorize something beautiful it's usually followed by "..when it rained.."



http://img168.imageshack.us/img168/1045/croppedrainls2.jpg


The focus in this picture was supposed to be on the fallen leaf , ended up cropping it and leaving the water circles caused by raindrops , such magical things , makes you want to wash away everything in your site to enjoy nothing but them .. <3

Saturday, December 20, 2008

All i need is a bitter song

"We" as human beings , for no specific reason , tend to search for the things that cause us the greater damage , out of all the candy the ones that are the fastest to give us rotten teeth are always the best , knowing that we'll pay sooner or later by taking the bitter medicine or painful needles .. That could possibly be the main reason behind most of our actions , to learn a lesson .. yet somehow after all this and that we hardly ever do ! either we get it wrong , or get it ... but by learning the wrong lesson . and that is the essence of life : when it doesn't make any sense !


just like every single word in this entry

I miss being all creepy and alone with a good friend to talk to , and not a million i can't even hear..

Saturday, July 19, 2008

The World Of Fragile Things

Oh God how i miss the winter ! as strange as it may sound every time i feel a summery breeze i miss it even more , i remember a teacher of mine who was once asked why she prefers winter among all other seasons her answer was " there's nothing not love!" and that is absolutely correct , everything about it is just amazing so cozy and beautiful , romantic and warm even if it's the coldest of seasons , plus I'm a coats person lol , i want to lose my self in the fog again and kiss sunshine goodbye , it it heals as it kills !

So as i'm craving the chill :D My newest manipulation . not much but i feel like using massive textures again not clean and smudged as always :P natural and better

Please Click Here


The original Image


My Snow White Queen


Snow White Queen by ~SoDoXa on deviantART


If you want to know how this is done (which isn't so amazing) just ask , i don't feel like blabbing for no reason *_* , yet i have discussed this with Naser and we both agreed it might be useful :)

Friday, July 18, 2008

Peek-a-Back


Yes I am ! i have left this place for a while due to my tawjihi exams (which by the would be appreciated if not mentioned =D ) then after i was done i neglected this place and to stay on my DA page around the clock which wasn't right sorry bloggy =( ! yet i think the main reason for my return is naser as he brought up the tagging thing , ah remember those days when wedad's blog was still visible to everyone ? LOL .

Many beautiful news from around the sphere as well this in specific is incredible ! congratulations dear Diana to you and your husband , yetrabba b3ezkom ya rab.

So all this blabbing to tell you that i'm back and i suppose i'll be blogging more often m though i doubt anyone will read i have been dead lately and i do not blame anyone for not entering this space , lotsa a dust here i know .

Where's that red carpet ? :P

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

If only ..


There was a season with summer's pleasure and fun , and some of it's warmth
winter's sweetness and chill , spring's colors and Autumn's romance

If only i could stop dreaming for once lol

Monday, May 5, 2008

I beg to DIFFER !

Why do people always look for their clones when it comes to love ? and why does it seem so strange if you tell anyone that you look for someone who's nearly your opposite in many things?

Searching for the significant other , must we really look for someone with our exact same interests and taste ? things that are skin deep and we forget what goes deep to the bones , understanding , respect and mutual admiration ..?

I might be wrong , but i believe that a relation is more interesting when people differ , if you share the same things with another person you'll be please at first , but in a while it'll get very boring , and it could be the things you share and not deep feelings , but when you bond with a person with a different lifestyle you learn from them , everyday you find something new about them that makes you love them even more , i have friends with no slight resemblance between us , yet if you ever listen to any conversation we have, we always manage to finish each others sentences , if i did something , they were already planning to do it !

It's not always about being identical twins :D it's all about understanding , and after all ,humans communicate to exchange ideas , not to look at reflections of their own

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Ending ... unplanned !

The image “http://fc03.deviantart.com/fs26/i/2008/119/f/7/Farther_away_by_SoDoXa.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

I've come to believe that the happiest of endings are the ones unplanned , the best of moments are the unexpected and sweetest of things are the ones we gave up on chasing !

Maybe as we plan and worry about something we become paranoid , that any little thing would make us so anxious and so we might fail to get what we want ..

Although this may not work in all cases , but mostly it does !

From now on i'll let my feet walk me to the unknown , i have a good feeling about it ..